Yelp

I was at a friends house playing video games. His mom came in and told him to clean his room. Somehow after that command, I thought I was in my own home. I got up and started making the bed. What is it about the authority of a mother. I feel like it is a universal figure. It doesn't matter whose mother the command comes from, all children must obey. Obama's got nothing on Michelle.

Authority is something I feel is abused in many situations. I think an IQ test should be administered to grant privileges and authority. Many people can work their way up the ladder and hold a position of authority. Idiots should not be telling a mind of intelligence what to do. There are garbage men who have a natural intelligence superseding individuals with a graduate education. What I'm trying to say is don't tell me how to take out my trash.

Do you know how many people ride bikes? If you do, you should be asking yourself the following questions:
1. Why do I know this?
2. How do I spend my day?
3. Do I even own a bike?
4. What is todays date?
5. Who am I?

I hate when your sitting at home and you forget what day it is. I know why they place the date and time on the windows tab. Whoever thought of that was a genius. I'm assuming it was Steve Jobs.

non-sense

Green tea has a ton of antioxidants. We should all drink it. Unless we pick up a book and read that- *most likely*- the only natural substance that actually helps our body is fish oil. The vitamin business is insanely fraudulent. You need an apple, a few veggies, and a bite of chicken wrapped in toast; top it off with a glass of milk. Done. Not only is this business fraudulent, it’s out of context. This business is not needed in this country.

The UN drops off a bag of flour and TB meds every now and then in Africa. What are they thinking! Yeah, the most poverty drenched nation has frosting and sprinkles with an oven pre-heated to 350 degrees, they just need some flour to finish making their cake. They need our vitamins!

couscous

I like to grill out a lot. Whoever is doing the grilling never gets to eat much, but they do receive a lot of respect. It’s a skill. It takes an individual willing to damage his respiratory system to take on this task. If he keeps it up, within 5 months, he’ll probably die from emphysema. His death however would be honorable.

Outdoor activities are fun when there aren’t any mosquitos or UV radiation; basically remove all the properties of our atmosphere and keep the insect free grass. This is why I hate college football and love NFL domes. If we have the technology to protect ourselves from mother-nature, why don’t we?

Technology is developing at a very rapid pace. We have LED TV’s that are paper thin, eye wear that has GPS on it, and even robotic surgery. I decided to quit school once I discovered every single discipline of knowledge based skills will soon be replaced by robots. I’m investing my loan money in a couple of robots and Bill Gates genome.

The study of human genes is going to allow medicine to become more personalized. Certain drugs work differently on certain individuals, due to their genetic make-up. Basically what I’m trying to say, if you’re an Ashkenazi Jew, Asian, or African American, you’re screwed. They will know if you have Tay-Sachs, a thalassemia, or sickle cell. If they prove a genetic link to obesity, white people are screwed too. Good luck getting insured with that codon.

Why is this world so mean? Why can’t we distribute our wealth equally? And yes, when I say wealth, I mean Adderall. If we gave more Adderall to homeless populations, maybe they could think their way out of their situation and find some success. They don’t need your food or money, they need focus!!! A lamb can provide you with food clothing and shelter; we can’t just give everyone a lamb. Adderall is cheaper and will do a better job.

serious?

I wish the school bus system was still available to college students and the corporate world. It would increase employment and no one would ever be late to work. Bus driving would be a dream for children. “The Magic School Bus” would have a whole new meaning.

Frequent tardiness to work can get you fired. If you know you are going to be tardy every day, just stay at home and collect welfare checks. It’ll be better for you. Fly to Switzerland, open a bank account. Deposit all your checks there. Make a rap song about your Swiss bank account and retire.

Why do checks have your home address and phone number on it? I went to a video rental store and paid for Life of Pi by check. I go home and I receive a phone call at 10pm, “Hey bro is this *****?” I respond with a “Yes.” “Oh dude how was that movie, did you like it? Man the lion was crazy wasn’t he?" I was like “who the hell is this?! And! I did not watch it yet!” Next day same guy is sitting in my driveway, trying to watch the movie with me.

Loneliness is something everyone battles with at least once in their lives. I strongly urge you to not consider a check as an invite to cure your loneliness.

Does anyone have friends who use a lot of cologne? You’re lucky.

I had a friend; for months I thought he was addicted to cocaine. I tried to get him checked in a rehab center, turned him into the police, told his mom, tazed him, nothing was working. He would always have white powder all over the back of his neck, on his face, and shirt. He was making irrational decisions like hanging out with me and eating lunch before breakfast. He finally caved and told me what was going on. He was addicted to baby powder. Yes, Johnson & Johnson, you have adult consumers; congrats- start a new line.

toys

Why can’t people with accents discern their pronunciations and how it differs from the people surrounding them? If they could, maybe countries would start electing presidents who have more proficient universal language skills. The reason why we don’t have world peace is not because we can’t agree on a common ground, it’s because we have no clue what others are trying to say.

Peace is a beautiful concept. I try to bring a little harmony to humanity every single day. Everyone should. Break up fights, take a bullet for someone else, or eat a fat kid’s dessert. If we don’t do it who will?

I hate violence. It hurts me to see individuals channeling their frustration’s towards inflicting physical pain on others. Do they not know there are so many other ways you can hurt someone? Don’t respond to text messages, yell at sales representatives when they call you, throw stuff, tell your friends they are worthless, call Bosley hair transplant services and give them the names and numbers of all your bald friends. Just don’t hit anyone!

Text messaging has gotten out of hands. I literally mean that. I don’t even need my hands to text any more. I feel like we don’t use the phone the same anymore. A phone is a device which has digits and you put up against your mouth and ears. That is the definition of a phone. With blue tooth and siri, we no longer have a phone. We need a new name! That’s copyright infringement. We can call it Blutsi. “Excuse me sir do you have a Blutsi I can use.”  “Sure madam, just be careful saying the word fuss; autocorrect has a way with that.”

sizzle

What is swag? Swag is something that comes with practice. I wake up in the morning and I got auqafresh for my top teeth and colgate for my bottom teeth. I put my socks on backwards and draw a heart over my point of maximal impulse (5^th rib mid-axillary line). These two commodities are for inner confidence. Something you know about but the public won’t be able to see. This is known as hidden swag.

When you go on a plane buy two tickets; one business and one first class. Make sure to rotate between seats every 30 minutes. Order a meal in first class and ask the flight attendant to deliver it to you while you are in the business class seat. This allows your business passengers to realize your level of swag.

Call your credit card company and tell them to increase your interest rates, and never give you reward points again.

Run into Donald Trump and give him a Gold trumpet.  

This is swag. Pour hot chocolate on hot chocolate.

Peace.

Jeez

Exercise is great. Some people do yoga, some are involved in more strenuous forms of exercising such as put put. Sometimes I go on long walks. Most people use headphones, listen to their music of choice in the privacy of their own ears. Some people use Bluetooth technology to talk to loved ones or auditors. These individuals have opened the door to public invasion of privacy. I blame these people for the next group of individuals I am going to talk about; stupid people who wear a speaker attached to their iPod. They decide that they own the 200ft radius around them; this is not including the 100ft radius their BMI takes up. I’m a slow walker, usually putting me at a similar pace these ignorant human beings walk at. Mariah Carey and Sade are now always playing in my head.  

There is a lot of arrogance and hierarchy involved in walking on a paved path. Who is going to say hi first? Will you answer the hello? If you are walking on the same side as a pedestrian walking towards you, who is going to move out of the way?

Obesity is a big problem in the United States. Some people say it’s due to fast food chains. I say that’s bogus. Fast food chains like McDonalds are all over the world. We are the only fat ones. This obesity is due solely to Debbie snacks. A snack which tastes as good as a dessert in a five star restaurant but cost’s less then it’s box and wrapping. Born and raised in Tennessee, Little Debbie was responsible for this non sense. If she was still alive, she should be put in jail without the option of parole.

I think the reason we have crime in public is because jails are not user friendly; people get killed, etc. Think about this: A jail with cells which contain plush leather couches, flat panel LED screens, king size beds, and five star cuisines. There is a catch however. You must turn yourself in before you commit the crime to get these benefits. I guarantee you there will be no more murderers on the streets. They would call 911 and be like “ yeah, I was about to kill my brother. I decided not to, get my cell ready, I’ll be there in 10.”

On a final note, why do men hold the door open for women? Women keep fighting for equal rights. Let them open their own door. Chivalry died when Hillary Clinton ran for president.

things

Clothes are nice. I personally don’t like shopping that much. When I go to the store, if I find one shirt that fits amazingly, I’ll go ahead and purchase every color available of that same shirt. I prefer comfort and time management. It bothers me to think people search for variety after they found something that fits wonderful. When someone wears a certain design shirt to work, they fit a profile. I label them as that guy who wears those clothes. People with variety I feel like are trying to hide something. You can never label them. Their identity is undefined. It brings about a certain curiosity. What the heck goes through their mind at night to switch from one outfit design to another. I’m curious about the arrangement of their frontal lobe of the brain and the forms of neurotransmitters that are released.

Time management is a nice concept. Did you know there are people who teach time management skills? How stupid do you need to be to see someone to teach you when to eat breakfast, when to talk on the phone, when to go to sleep. There is some guy who is making above $60/hour doing just that. For 10 bucks with good insurance, you could find a pill which will teach you that.

Health insurance these days is a status symbol. If you got health insurance you’re doing pretty well. I went to this high end private golf country club the other day. I was dressed very casually with an intent to obtain a membership. I walk in and fill out a form; Income: $2/ year +Parents, Living situation: A bedroom in parent’s home, Previous memberships: Kroger Plus and Netflix. They look at me like an idiot and ask for a credit card to verify my credit history. Unfortunately I didn’t have one. I whipped out a Blue Cross Blue Shield POS health plan; jaws dropped. I got a gold membership right away.

why?

When your shirt is wrinkled, one has a few options: Sit on it,Tumble dry, or Iron

Which one is the best option? This all depends on where you are going and who is going to be there. If you are going to a big gathering where your existence will not really matter much, feel free to sit on your clothes. If you are going to meet a few friends for fine dining, go ahead and tumble dry. For initial impression on a significant other, iron it to perfection.

Why do I say iron to perfection? This is an opportunity to allow her to channel much of her focus to your creaseless shirt. Impress her by uncalled for motions resulting in zero wrinkles. She won’t even notice you have no personality. You might even get away with not paying for her meal. At the end of the night, all she will be able to think is, my goodness, I did not notice one crease on his shirt all night. Starch and wrinkle free shirts have their limits. If you can pull off a wrinkle free night, let’s just say there may be a second dinner.

What is the difference between dinner and lunch? Why do dinners hold more significance than lunch. People are tired around dinner time; tough day at work, etc. They want to go to sleep. They will eat less and be more aggravated. Lunch is beautiful. You walk in full of energy, you know your job sucks, and you want to eat to your hearts delight to a level which will make you forget how miserable your afternoon is about to be. It also costs less.

With unemployment still at a significantly high rate, an individual with a college degree will end up working a job a high school graduate qualifies for. This is really good. It makes you feel like you’re the king of the world. You know more than all of your colleagues, you will never get recognized for it, you will excel at it, thus giving your employer all the more reason to never promote you.

The key to success is to never perform your best in a position you are over-qualified for. Don’t shine in a field you don’t want to spend the rest of your life doing. Let them know you do not belong there. If someone orders a chicken sandwich, put a fish fillet in it.

what?

I really wish drive thru windows at fast-food chains would allow customers without a vehicle. How rude is it to serve the cheapest food on the planet, but you need to be rich enough to own a vehicle to get a meal after 10pm.

A vehicle these days are pretty hot commodities with gas prices soaring through the roof. I use to never use the phone. I use it all the time now. I won’t even go to a grocery store unless I know for sure they have the chips I want.

Grocery stores are getting cheap on us. They force us to buy the watered down generic salsa compared to the name brand. You walk in and you see a significant price difference between generic and name brand. Since you had to spend so much on gas to get there, you go with generic. Then you go home and eat it. It taste bad, but your body gets used to it. I went over to a friend’s house the other day. He had some name brand orange juice. I took a sip, almost spit it out. Too much flavor, I had to add water too it.

Friends are nice to have. They are great to share stories with, watch movies, and eat chocolates together. Do we really need them though? You sometimes wonder, if I’m dying, who else can I rely on aside from my family or friends. People! If you are dying, anyone in their right mind will go out of their way to save you. If you choke at a restaurant, no one is going to sit idly and watch you die. I’m not saying friends are bad, I’m just saying we might be more independent then you think.

Speaking of independence, I live with my parents. My mom will sometimes make my lunch. Do I feel like less of a man? Absolutely not! It takes a bigger man to eat his mom’s lunch than a lunch he made himself. Yes, this has everything to do with portions.