Gush. Just J-E-L-L-O

“I don’t want to be just one thing. I want to be brave, and honest, and intelligent, and kind.” Yes this is taken directly from Theo James, known as “Four” in the movie Divergent. He utters these sweet words to Shailene Woodley, also known as “Beatrice ‘Tris’ Prior”. If you watch the preview this is the moment where he exposes his back tattoo without Tris asking him to. The tattoo is a mess and unfocused, very much like the opening quote of this blog. At the bottom of the tattoo is a tree symbol; a symbol very similar to the Timberland logo. It all clicked. He is known as ‘Four’ because that is the size of his work boots. Holla Holla.

At the end of the movie, he pulls a mission impossible and removes his face mask. It was Ken Jeong the whole time. I’m not Dr. Schulz, but I can safely say the brother was on heels and ‘gellin’…

Eagle

I wonder why it is so tough to land a starring role in a good movie. Probably because you suck at acting and whatever movie you star in, never becomes a good movie. So quit complaining.

Thank God for the intense selection criteria “Hollywood” implements. They turn people I use to respect into slugs. Take Adam Sandberg for example; an individual who was called to Harvard to give the new grads a farewell speech. It was beautiful, hilarious, and original. Many of his songs were nothing short of classical. Has anyone seen worse humor on the tube then on the show Brooklyn Nine-Nine? Whoever is writing those scripts is ruining Mr. Sandberg’s career.

I really like that show The Blacklist. At times my ethical conscience drips guilt in my heart and makes me turn it off. Yes, this is a show about a man who helps the FBI find the most wanted criminals in the world. They call this list of criminals “The Blacklist.” No comment.

I think the biggest criminal in the world is the individual involved in distributing endless free ice cream coupons in the mail. Who’s paying Wendy off? No pun intended.

You know our economy is improving when USPS delivers your goods after sunset. I hate using sarcasm in my writing. Thus you know I truly mean everything I say. 

;)

Felitsa

OOOOOOOOOOOKKKKAAYY! So our population is growing, it is insane. What is going on?

It’s not that bad in America. Why is that? In China and India, it’s uncontrollable.

I believe I know what the problem is. In America, unfortunately, many people meet at bars and areas where alcohol is served. This allows individuals to lower their standards, and end up with a significant other they would never want to see the outcome of a genetic combination.

In China and India, they don’t use alcohol as much. They go to coffee shops. Sharpen their senses. Some coffee shops probably give them ADHD medications to enhance their attention skills. This allows them to select the most fertile individual in the room; a genetic combination which will assist in producing the next Yiànnis Hryssomàllis. 

Womb

What does a blanket do? It makes us warm by trapping heat. The blanket itself does not emit heat. So why does a thicker blanket help us stay warmer. It really boils down to the quality of the blanket and how much thermal preservation the material provides. Unfortunately, I was severely disappointed that no one at bed bath and beyond could tell me this. I would think that would be the first question in the interview.

People should know about the products they sell and to whom. Clothing Retail Stores manage to do an excellent job in this. They make their sales associates know everything about everything.  My first retail job experience required me to enter with an open mind. It also required me to maintain that lack of ignorance. The manager wanted us to try on all the male jeans so we know how to explain the fit to the customers. I did this with no problem. He then asked us to try on the women jeans. No way would I allow myself to try on garments which required one to have hips designed for birth. My career in retail was cut short. 

Lamp

It’s December and the weather is wonderful….I don’t think this is a good sign. Losing seasons just doesn’t seem right. It disrupts the homeostasis of people with seasonal affective disorder (SAD). Light therapy products would lose demand and businesses would be forced to close.

That’ll be good though, people with SAD would be cured. People who manufactured products to cure SAD would be out of a job. This would make them “sad.” They will turn to anti-depressants and it’ll be a Prozac nation. Then we will have a bunch of people who are super happy, breathing in ozone and oxidants.  Dido’s songs would sound so much better, sunny, and more enthusiastic.

“If you give me just a coin for every time we say goodbye

Well I’d be rich beyond my dreams, …”  Dido- I’m no Angel

What an optimist!!!! :)

Bread

How can we be sure of it?

What can we do to never look back and have confidence that it was done?

The iron is off. The stoves are off. No toast in the toaster. The browsing history is cleared.

Do you need that constant re-assurance?

We all have times where we need to be reminded. It gets annoying when someone is constantly reminding us. For example, when we see someone like miley cyrus and Justin bieber, we get an instant reminder of how blessed we are to not be them. With them selling billions of records and being on every wall in public places, I’ve never felt so thankful in my life. My body has “adapted” to the feeling of thankfulness. I no longer acknowledge it. When someone gives me a gift, I don’t even say thank you anymore. You can blame that on Miley Cyrus and Bieber Fever.

I went to a third world country and I needed to make some passport photos. They asked me what template I wanted. On each passport sized photo, there was a picture of Justin Bieber. Yes, this was a country in which English is not the first language. I understand billboard, but broken down photo store in the middle of nowhere? I have to question the intentions of the store owners. I feel like maybe R. Kelly has invested in a chain of passport photo shops.

What’s up with rap music these days? It’s worthless, unless you have a significant other. Copy-paste the lyrics and throw it on a hallmark card. Best seasons greetings. If you never want to see him or her again. 

Coins

There is this third world country. They elected a president who likes to push people until they complain and stand up for their rights. He created a toll road. He charged 1 currency for the path. No one complained. He raised it to two currencies. Maybe two or three people said something to the individuals manning the toll booths. He then raised it to five currencies and got the workers manning the toll booth to hit all drivers with a shoe once. No one complained. He wanted his people to stand up for their rights and have the toll booth removed, they just had to ask. The president then took it up a notch and raised it to 6 currencies and 5 hits by the shoe. Frustrated citizens went to visit the president to finally complain. The president was excited. He has been waiting for this moment. He was proud to see his countrymen to stand up for their beliefs.

The citizens walked up to the president and said, “Mr. President, the toll booth is causing us problems. It is really slowing down traffic by having one person hit us five times; it would be easier if you had five people hitting us once each. Traffic would be a lot smoother.” 

Aluminum

When I sit under my thinking tree and reflect. My thoughts are usually focused on various types of bug sprays I can purchase from CVS. These sprays would allow me to truly forget my surroundings and enter a deeper level of thought. This deeper level of thought would allow me to plan ahead for next time, and come prepared with my bug spray in hand.

When I listen to Sade, I realize the relationship I have with my tree is not an “ordinary love.” In fact, I feel like I should see a therapist.

Horses are angelic creatures that can take you from point A to point B without gasoline. Nissan’s next vehicle is going to have a fully loaded aluminum container attached to 3 horses. The Prius would have intense competition, Al Gore would create another environmentalist documentary, and Obamacare would not be able to cover from the new cases of Salmenollosis and Cryptosporidium in new Nissan Owners.

I went to purchase a Toyota corolla. The sales man popped the hood to show us the engine. He made the corolla sound like a Ferrari. Turned out the corolla did have a few similar features a Ferrari has: They both can really only seat two people comfortably. 

N900

Technology is updating at an amazing pace. I’m watching tv streamed from my computer through a device known as chromecast. Basically anything you want to broadcast from google chrome to your tv (Netflix, hulu, simple browsing), you can wirelessly view via any wifi compatible device; including a smartphone.

What’s next? I would really like a device which can wirelessly wake me up, brush my teeth, feed me breakfast, clean my room, and drop me off to work. I would say having a spouse could fulfill these needs, however spouses are not wireless. For some reason they are always tied to you.

Think about the benefits of having a wireless wife. You can always turn off the wifi when you feel like you need a break from the connection. You could easily change the password to the wifi so she can’t connect to the signal. It wouldn’t take much distance before you are out of range from any sort of connection. Resetting the connection, might allow your wife to forget all your past mistakes. Adding additional routers and signal boosters could possibly connect you to more wives. The possibilities are endless. 

Miley GO AWAY

So what happens when you want to do something intelligent? You get super motivated and automatically gain 1 hour of intense energy. Your mind is working out. It is hitting the gym and dunking on Shaq. You open the laptop, go straight to lumosity or khan academy. You order 8 languages on rosetta stone. You buy a book shelf to place your new products. The hour is up, you just lost $300+ and have a new shelf in your home. You buy some roses, get stoned, and speak butchered Spanish which was taught in the first 30 seconds of the intro CD.

CD’s are getting played out. We now have MP3’s. What happened to 8 tracks? Let’s digitize 8 tracks and sell them. I want to see Jay Z’s new album on an 8 track. I want to see the Tesla have a 6- 8 Track changer. Why do we always have to move forward in life? What’s wrong with moving backwards? We will all end up like Miley Cyrus. Let’s take a step back and reflect…..does Miley Cyrus not scare you? If she can change from a Disney actor to her current state, what’s to prevent her from becoming a murderer? She needs to be contained. She’s the only reason Gitmo needs to remain open. Our number one threat is Miley.

I haven’t seen a good Disney movie in such a long time. Digitize my friends, don’t create new products. When you have a classic like Aladdin, don’t leave it incompatible with HDTV’s- upgrade that bad boy to 1080 pixels. Aren’t you curious to the embroidery on “Abu’s” hat? Forget that, the magic carpet can offer us so much more.

Intelligence is rare these days. Kids are dropping out of school. School is expensive, Obama is an idiot. You need to make school free. You need to provide all life’s essentials for free to all students: Transportation, health insurance, food, shelter, clothing, etc. Drop outs would have to be the biggest idiots in the world. They usually drop out for surviving and coping with life stresses. Link education with survival necessities, and you might have some more immigration issues, increased job competition, and less of a disparity among the rich and poor. Uncle Sam would be pissed.

I hate how congress beats around the bush and never tackles our nation’s biggest concerns. First-class airline tickets are getting more and more expensive. Why is this? This needs to stop. We all deserve first-class. Would it hurt delta to throw a little more leather on all their seats, widen the economy section up, and maybe offer us unlimited fruit throughout the flight. Instead I’m sitting next to a “soon to be companion and life partner for the next 1.5 hours” whose shoulders have nowhere else to go aside from rubbing against mine. I have never had more bromance in my life. It’s great for gay people, which is probably why there has not been a change in the management of this crisis. If you want something done in this world, go through homosexuals. They open the doors to congress. Please Gay people, help us out with this first-class crisis. Anderson Cooper, if this isn’t breaking news, I don’t know what is. 

CROUTON (S)

I went to whole foods the other day. I walk in like a boss. I got a step which lets people know, Nutrition is NO GAME. I’m here for the wheat and coconut water. One ounce of pressurized Carbon Dioxide in my beverage is unacceptable and leaves my face with an intense sign of disgust. I check out with a toothbrush made of 100% recyclable material and mouthwash that vaporizes upon a 1 minute rinse. I feel good. Reputation has been cashed in. Unlock my bicycle in the front, ride around the back. Dump that junk in the trash- including the bicycle. Roll out with a masking hoody in my Diesel Fuel- environmentally inefficient vehicle. 

nuance

Waking up is probably one of the biggest challenges in my day. I keep trying to think of what is a good way to motivate someone to wake up. It’s definitely not brushing your teeth. You brush your teeth to put yourself to sleep. Not to wake up. It can’t be the shower. They recommend that you shower in warm water if you have trouble sleeping. So what is it? It has to be something that affects you from a life or death perspective.  What could this be? Only one thing comes in mind. Only one thing which is lethal and powerful enough to make sure you stay on tract. Does the term 10:30AM ring a bell? Yes. This is the time when almost all fast-food chains quit serving breakfast. Who would have thought McDonald’s promotes productivity. McDonald’s cares about us. They want us to live. If you are wondering whether I have tears in my eyes, the answer is yes.

What makes people tear up? Tears are affected by pain, emotion, and chemicals. I’m fascinated with the concept of crying, specifically crying on command. How do people do this? This is a true gift from God. We have so much of our national budget going into research, why have we not discovered the cause of this yet? Screw heart disease and osteoporosis. What causes people to have the super natural powers of crying on command? Is this a genetic trait? If so, what chromosome is responsible for this talent? I would think by now Natural Selection would have favored the promotion of this trait. If you were born with this skill, stop studying, stop working hard, and retire. Cry yourself to success. Whoever comes up with a "vitamin" to aid crying on command, you will be a millionaire.

Yelp

I was at a friends house playing video games. His mom came in and told him to clean his room. Somehow after that command, I thought I was in my own home. I got up and started making the bed. What is it about the authority of a mother. I feel like it is a universal figure. It doesn't matter whose mother the command comes from, all children must obey. Obama's got nothing on Michelle.

Authority is something I feel is abused in many situations. I think an IQ test should be administered to grant privileges and authority. Many people can work their way up the ladder and hold a position of authority. Idiots should not be telling a mind of intelligence what to do. There are garbage men who have a natural intelligence superseding individuals with a graduate education. What I'm trying to say is don't tell me how to take out my trash.

Do you know how many people ride bikes? If you do, you should be asking yourself the following questions:
1. Why do I know this?
2. How do I spend my day?
3. Do I even own a bike?
4. What is todays date?
5. Who am I?

I hate when your sitting at home and you forget what day it is. I know why they place the date and time on the windows tab. Whoever thought of that was a genius. I'm assuming it was Steve Jobs.

non-sense

Green tea has a ton of antioxidants. We should all drink it. Unless we pick up a book and read that- *most likely*- the only natural substance that actually helps our body is fish oil. The vitamin business is insanely fraudulent. You need an apple, a few veggies, and a bite of chicken wrapped in toast; top it off with a glass of milk. Done. Not only is this business fraudulent, it’s out of context. This business is not needed in this country.

The UN drops off a bag of flour and TB meds every now and then in Africa. What are they thinking! Yeah, the most poverty drenched nation has frosting and sprinkles with an oven pre-heated to 350 degrees, they just need some flour to finish making their cake. They need our vitamins!

couscous

I like to grill out a lot. Whoever is doing the grilling never gets to eat much, but they do receive a lot of respect. It’s a skill. It takes an individual willing to damage his respiratory system to take on this task. If he keeps it up, within 5 months, he’ll probably die from emphysema. His death however would be honorable.

Outdoor activities are fun when there aren’t any mosquitos or UV radiation; basically remove all the properties of our atmosphere and keep the insect free grass. This is why I hate college football and love NFL domes. If we have the technology to protect ourselves from mother-nature, why don’t we?

Technology is developing at a very rapid pace. We have LED TV’s that are paper thin, eye wear that has GPS on it, and even robotic surgery. I decided to quit school once I discovered every single discipline of knowledge based skills will soon be replaced by robots. I’m investing my loan money in a couple of robots and Bill Gates genome.

The study of human genes is going to allow medicine to become more personalized. Certain drugs work differently on certain individuals, due to their genetic make-up. Basically what I’m trying to say, if you’re an Ashkenazi Jew, Asian, or African American, you’re screwed. They will know if you have Tay-Sachs, a thalassemia, or sickle cell. If they prove a genetic link to obesity, white people are screwed too. Good luck getting insured with that codon.

Why is this world so mean? Why can’t we distribute our wealth equally? And yes, when I say wealth, I mean Adderall. If we gave more Adderall to homeless populations, maybe they could think their way out of their situation and find some success. They don’t need your food or money, they need focus!!! A lamb can provide you with food clothing and shelter; we can’t just give everyone a lamb. Adderall is cheaper and will do a better job.

serious?

I wish the school bus system was still available to college students and the corporate world. It would increase employment and no one would ever be late to work. Bus driving would be a dream for children. “The Magic School Bus” would have a whole new meaning.

Frequent tardiness to work can get you fired. If you know you are going to be tardy every day, just stay at home and collect welfare checks. It’ll be better for you. Fly to Switzerland, open a bank account. Deposit all your checks there. Make a rap song about your Swiss bank account and retire.

Why do checks have your home address and phone number on it? I went to a video rental store and paid for Life of Pi by check. I go home and I receive a phone call at 10pm, “Hey bro is this *****?” I respond with a “Yes.” “Oh dude how was that movie, did you like it? Man the lion was crazy wasn’t he?" I was like “who the hell is this?! And! I did not watch it yet!” Next day same guy is sitting in my driveway, trying to watch the movie with me.

Loneliness is something everyone battles with at least once in their lives. I strongly urge you to not consider a check as an invite to cure your loneliness.

Does anyone have friends who use a lot of cologne? You’re lucky.

I had a friend; for months I thought he was addicted to cocaine. I tried to get him checked in a rehab center, turned him into the police, told his mom, tazed him, nothing was working. He would always have white powder all over the back of his neck, on his face, and shirt. He was making irrational decisions like hanging out with me and eating lunch before breakfast. He finally caved and told me what was going on. He was addicted to baby powder. Yes, Johnson & Johnson, you have adult consumers; congrats- start a new line.

toys

Why can’t people with accents discern their pronunciations and how it differs from the people surrounding them? If they could, maybe countries would start electing presidents who have more proficient universal language skills. The reason why we don’t have world peace is not because we can’t agree on a common ground, it’s because we have no clue what others are trying to say.

Peace is a beautiful concept. I try to bring a little harmony to humanity every single day. Everyone should. Break up fights, take a bullet for someone else, or eat a fat kid’s dessert. If we don’t do it who will?

I hate violence. It hurts me to see individuals channeling their frustration’s towards inflicting physical pain on others. Do they not know there are so many other ways you can hurt someone? Don’t respond to text messages, yell at sales representatives when they call you, throw stuff, tell your friends they are worthless, call Bosley hair transplant services and give them the names and numbers of all your bald friends. Just don’t hit anyone!

Text messaging has gotten out of hands. I literally mean that. I don’t even need my hands to text any more. I feel like we don’t use the phone the same anymore. A phone is a device which has digits and you put up against your mouth and ears. That is the definition of a phone. With blue tooth and siri, we no longer have a phone. We need a new name! That’s copyright infringement. We can call it Blutsi. “Excuse me sir do you have a Blutsi I can use.”  “Sure madam, just be careful saying the word fuss; autocorrect has a way with that.”

sizzle

What is swag? Swag is something that comes with practice. I wake up in the morning and I got auqafresh for my top teeth and colgate for my bottom teeth. I put my socks on backwards and draw a heart over my point of maximal impulse (5^th rib mid-axillary line). These two commodities are for inner confidence. Something you know about but the public won’t be able to see. This is known as hidden swag.

When you go on a plane buy two tickets; one business and one first class. Make sure to rotate between seats every 30 minutes. Order a meal in first class and ask the flight attendant to deliver it to you while you are in the business class seat. This allows your business passengers to realize your level of swag.

Call your credit card company and tell them to increase your interest rates, and never give you reward points again.

Run into Donald Trump and give him a Gold trumpet.  

This is swag. Pour hot chocolate on hot chocolate.

Peace.

Jeez

Exercise is great. Some people do yoga, some are involved in more strenuous forms of exercising such as put put. Sometimes I go on long walks. Most people use headphones, listen to their music of choice in the privacy of their own ears. Some people use Bluetooth technology to talk to loved ones or auditors. These individuals have opened the door to public invasion of privacy. I blame these people for the next group of individuals I am going to talk about; stupid people who wear a speaker attached to their iPod. They decide that they own the 200ft radius around them; this is not including the 100ft radius their BMI takes up. I’m a slow walker, usually putting me at a similar pace these ignorant human beings walk at. Mariah Carey and Sade are now always playing in my head.  

There is a lot of arrogance and hierarchy involved in walking on a paved path. Who is going to say hi first? Will you answer the hello? If you are walking on the same side as a pedestrian walking towards you, who is going to move out of the way?

Obesity is a big problem in the United States. Some people say it’s due to fast food chains. I say that’s bogus. Fast food chains like McDonalds are all over the world. We are the only fat ones. This obesity is due solely to Debbie snacks. A snack which tastes as good as a dessert in a five star restaurant but cost’s less then it’s box and wrapping. Born and raised in Tennessee, Little Debbie was responsible for this non sense. If she was still alive, she should be put in jail without the option of parole.

I think the reason we have crime in public is because jails are not user friendly; people get killed, etc. Think about this: A jail with cells which contain plush leather couches, flat panel LED screens, king size beds, and five star cuisines. There is a catch however. You must turn yourself in before you commit the crime to get these benefits. I guarantee you there will be no more murderers on the streets. They would call 911 and be like “ yeah, I was about to kill my brother. I decided not to, get my cell ready, I’ll be there in 10.”

On a final note, why do men hold the door open for women? Women keep fighting for equal rights. Let them open their own door. Chivalry died when Hillary Clinton ran for president.

things

Clothes are nice. I personally don’t like shopping that much. When I go to the store, if I find one shirt that fits amazingly, I’ll go ahead and purchase every color available of that same shirt. I prefer comfort and time management. It bothers me to think people search for variety after they found something that fits wonderful. When someone wears a certain design shirt to work, they fit a profile. I label them as that guy who wears those clothes. People with variety I feel like are trying to hide something. You can never label them. Their identity is undefined. It brings about a certain curiosity. What the heck goes through their mind at night to switch from one outfit design to another. I’m curious about the arrangement of their frontal lobe of the brain and the forms of neurotransmitters that are released.

Time management is a nice concept. Did you know there are people who teach time management skills? How stupid do you need to be to see someone to teach you when to eat breakfast, when to talk on the phone, when to go to sleep. There is some guy who is making above $60/hour doing just that. For 10 bucks with good insurance, you could find a pill which will teach you that.

Health insurance these days is a status symbol. If you got health insurance you’re doing pretty well. I went to this high end private golf country club the other day. I was dressed very casually with an intent to obtain a membership. I walk in and fill out a form; Income: $2/ year +Parents, Living situation: A bedroom in parent’s home, Previous memberships: Kroger Plus and Netflix. They look at me like an idiot and ask for a credit card to verify my credit history. Unfortunately I didn’t have one. I whipped out a Blue Cross Blue Shield POS health plan; jaws dropped. I got a gold membership right away.

why?

When your shirt is wrinkled, one has a few options: Sit on it,Tumble dry, or Iron

Which one is the best option? This all depends on where you are going and who is going to be there. If you are going to a big gathering where your existence will not really matter much, feel free to sit on your clothes. If you are going to meet a few friends for fine dining, go ahead and tumble dry. For initial impression on a significant other, iron it to perfection.

Why do I say iron to perfection? This is an opportunity to allow her to channel much of her focus to your creaseless shirt. Impress her by uncalled for motions resulting in zero wrinkles. She won’t even notice you have no personality. You might even get away with not paying for her meal. At the end of the night, all she will be able to think is, my goodness, I did not notice one crease on his shirt all night. Starch and wrinkle free shirts have their limits. If you can pull off a wrinkle free night, let’s just say there may be a second dinner.

What is the difference between dinner and lunch? Why do dinners hold more significance than lunch. People are tired around dinner time; tough day at work, etc. They want to go to sleep. They will eat less and be more aggravated. Lunch is beautiful. You walk in full of energy, you know your job sucks, and you want to eat to your hearts delight to a level which will make you forget how miserable your afternoon is about to be. It also costs less.

With unemployment still at a significantly high rate, an individual with a college degree will end up working a job a high school graduate qualifies for. This is really good. It makes you feel like you’re the king of the world. You know more than all of your colleagues, you will never get recognized for it, you will excel at it, thus giving your employer all the more reason to never promote you.

The key to success is to never perform your best in a position you are over-qualified for. Don’t shine in a field you don’t want to spend the rest of your life doing. Let them know you do not belong there. If someone orders a chicken sandwich, put a fish fillet in it.

what?

I really wish drive thru windows at fast-food chains would allow customers without a vehicle. How rude is it to serve the cheapest food on the planet, but you need to be rich enough to own a vehicle to get a meal after 10pm.

A vehicle these days are pretty hot commodities with gas prices soaring through the roof. I use to never use the phone. I use it all the time now. I won’t even go to a grocery store unless I know for sure they have the chips I want.

Grocery stores are getting cheap on us. They force us to buy the watered down generic salsa compared to the name brand. You walk in and you see a significant price difference between generic and name brand. Since you had to spend so much on gas to get there, you go with generic. Then you go home and eat it. It taste bad, but your body gets used to it. I went over to a friend’s house the other day. He had some name brand orange juice. I took a sip, almost spit it out. Too much flavor, I had to add water too it.

Friends are nice to have. They are great to share stories with, watch movies, and eat chocolates together. Do we really need them though? You sometimes wonder, if I’m dying, who else can I rely on aside from my family or friends. People! If you are dying, anyone in their right mind will go out of their way to save you. If you choke at a restaurant, no one is going to sit idly and watch you die. I’m not saying friends are bad, I’m just saying we might be more independent then you think.

Speaking of independence, I live with my parents. My mom will sometimes make my lunch. Do I feel like less of a man? Absolutely not! It takes a bigger man to eat his mom’s lunch than a lunch he made himself. Yes, this has everything to do with portions.